Thank You Blue Host for the Reminder…

I got a bill the other day for this domain and for a split second, forgot that I had the auto payments set up for the hosting and I started to feel bad; not because I’m paying for something I clearly have not been utilizing, but because I wanted to create this space for myself, yet have neglected the very thing I said I wanted. At the time that I’m sitting to write this, I can’t even recall the last thing I’ve written. It’s been nothing but grocery and to do lists, PM outlines, appointments on a white board – not one musing. Not a sentence. Not one stream of consciousness written specifically for this space – this one that I wanted so badly.

It’s interesting how we can want something yet neglect it in the same breath. When I created this site, there were several iterations of it before I even put the link in my bio in IG. I wanted it to be right. Aesthetically pleasing. Not for an audience, although I’m happy when someone has read something and even moreso, when it resonates, but primarily for myself. It was easy to build, sorta, but my writing process, is multi-step and layered, so it takes time and effort and I was thrilled to have created space and time here. Yet, I literally cannot recall, the last thing I wrote. I’m hoping that if I keep typing, the light bulb will come on and it will come to me, but right now, I have absolutely no clue. It’s so easy for us to put time and effort into something, and then, *snap* just like that you’re done with it. Not that it doesn’t feed your spirit, but just that, you’re done. One day you find an excuse or a “reason” and you just stop; and here we find ourselves – full of neglect.

I’ve thought about this space in the past year or so. It’s crossed my mind from time to time and it’s always been something I said I’d come back to. Why has it taken me this long, though? I mean, the journal and the mechanical pencils sit in the same spot; bookmarked, for the next time I wrote. However… emptiness. Blank pages. Several blank pages. Yet, while these pages have remained blank, my mind, for damn sure, has not.

While I allow Blue Host to take my money, my thoughts have continually fired off on all cylinders as they do. So what happened here? I should have a book full of things to post. And don’t. Words live. Words hurt. They hold truth and meaning. Have I subconsciously chosen not to bear witness to my thoughts on a page? To give credence to my feelings? Maybe that’s why my cortisol levels are likely high and my damn joints are so tight… I mean, maybe it’s that and perimenopause, but yeah! Neglect of oneself looks and feels different on everyone. For me, its trapped, unrealized, feelings. Ruminating over things, when I could have just as easily written it all down.

And because I still can’t remember the topic of my last post *insert pause here…*

Leaning into this anxiety. How fitting. So on brand. Now, here I am “leaning into this realization that I’ve neglected something that’s been important to me for far too long and how that no longer serves me ‘cuz I’m tired of these high cortisol levels and aching joints.” And yes! I realize that’s a run on sentence. It’s meant to be, for a little razzle dazzle. But seriously, with all I’ve learned, I understand that things don’t always flow linearly, and I won’t beat myself up too badly. Instead, I’ll just end this by thanking Blue Host for the reminder that my domain name has been renewed. Signed, me, who shalt not neglect her musings for too long.

Now, its your turn to go do that thing you’ve been neglecting for far too long!

Be Encouraged.