Leaning in to this anxiety

This is a particularly challenging post to write.  I’ve been debating if I should even write it at all.  I’ve stopped and started writing this countless times.  In the journal where I write for this space, there’s starter sentences, and entire passages completely scratched out – yet here I am.  Pencil to page, while literally I lay in bed at the blue hour of day. I’ve been absent from Just Kay Renee for quite some time since my last post, which focused primarily on the importance of processing my feelings.  So much has happened since that post and I’ve been working towards processing it all.

Let’s see… In the last 10 months, I joined an agency that I was excited about because not only did I believe in the work, but also because I would have the opportunity to build something great alongside an incredible boss, and trusted friend. When she was tapped to move cross country and lead the agency out in LA, our work here in NY, came to a screeching halt.  Great for her!  Sucked for me, and with my life rooted her in New York, I couldn’t take that with her. Now, not only would I miss this great opportunity to do something amazing, I’d also miss my friend. Pivot.  While I was able to pivot and do great work for amazing clients in our New York agency, there were some major challenges. Anxiety percolates.

My mom experienced setbacks from having major spine surgery nearly a year ago. I toggled between being a caregiver and working mom, but it was so rewarding watching her heal and regain her strength.  However, with her unexpected setbacks, to stand by and watch her revert was heartbreaking. Pivot. Anxiety bubbles.

I transitioned to another company I SWORE UP AND DOWN would be the best thing since sliced bread – YET… At this point, the anxiety that percolated and bubbled has become so prevalent in my life, and my cup runneth over with anxiety. With the many transitions in my life, understanding and managing this anxiety has been a major struggle. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted trying to hide just how much I’m struggling from my loved ones. It’s exhausting trying to “shake” the anxiety down so I can shield my son from my anxieties for fear that I may transfer that energy to him, therefore making him an anxious child. What has been most challenging and exhausting is working through those feelings of shame. Shame that at 42, here I am struggling this much. Those shameful feelings leave me feeling less than a “strong black woman.” As much as I hate this trope and theoretically understand that no one person can be “strong” all the time, nor should they try to be, it still causes internal conflict.

I struggled with anxiety off and on throughout my early 20s.  My first bout with anxiety was discovered after an apparent panic attack that caused me to break out in hives.  After a comprehensive and painful allergy test (if you’ve ever had one, you’ll understand how grueling it is), I was diagnosed with anxiety. For a long time, I did the work to understand my triggers and came out on the other side of it and for years, hadn’t struggled.  To be here 20 years later feels absurd and ridiculous, but because I’ve spent time focusing on how ridiculous it feels to be struggling as a grown-ass woman, I almost missed the blessing of making the connection between the time I struggled in my 20s and the present.

Once I stopped feeling the shame and decided to stop hiding behind the shroud of it, I surrendered and learned to lean into my anxiety. 

The first step to me leaning in focused on doing the work to understand how my anxiety was presenting itself as extreme irritability.  Part of my discovery led me to moments of full transparency with my family with regards to what they were witnessing in my moods and behavior. Once the veil of secrecy was lifted, I started to feel better because now, they had insight and understanding that I wasn’t intending to be a raging B*TCH all the time and that it was my anxiety that was the B*TCH – not ME! I leaned in by having honest moments with my son, so he too understood why his mom needed to spend some time in silence to ground herself after a long day.  Part of my work to understand this anxiety included understanding why there were moments where too much noise bothered me. I’m not talking about your normal annoyed mom moments where the Xbox is too loud, and you can’t hear your true crime programming – this was more like nails scratching on a chalkboard; a vibration I could feel so deep in my body that would send me into an anxiety attack.  I learned that after a long day, noise levels bothered because of the overstimulation in my body – to avoid this over stimulation, I had to lean in to learn how to ground myself.  These transparent moments humanized me to my son and have taught him to respect and understand boundaries.  It gives him permission to learn how to ground himself as well.  Now we ground ourselves together and it makes for beautiful moments together.

Learning to lean in means digging deep with my therapist to understand how I struggled in my early 20s at the pinnacle of figuring out who I was.  And now, here in my early 40s, in a similar space; figuring sh*t out in this phase of my life. People claim that when they hit 40, they “found” themselves. Well, I sit here four months shy of 43, and I’m still figuring it out. Learning. Unlearning.  Stopping.  Starting. Starting. Stopping.

My anxiety is still very much present, as a matter of fact, I find myself chuckling at the thought of me leaning ALL the way in and sharing my business with you in this way and as I lean in, I’m finding myself and what works for me and doing what I need to manage it. And as our songbird Mariah said “Imma do the best with what I GOT!”

Lean in to the hard sh*t.

Be Encouraged.