Movement without Process

I thought about my blog today. Feels weird to say because it’s mine.  I own the domain. I pay for the hosting, but rarely do I think about it. To be transparent, I only thought about it this past week because someone very close to me wished me a “happy 1^st blog post day”. I didn’t even remember. I wondered why. Why did you start this thing if you didn’t have the intention to at the very least, think about it from time to time? Why continue to pay for it, to just have it sitting on the proverbial shelf? I had no answers to my questions. I stumped myself with my own damn questions! I come in contact with my writing notebooks (it’s the composition ones for me. Fancy journals with pretty gold, embossed lettering, doesn’t do it for me. I find it distracting. Even growing up, my diaries were spiral or black and white composition notebooks, stored under my mattress or stuffed in the back of my closet) quite frequently and the thought to write for this site never crossed my mind until that day. It’s only today, that I felt compelled to dig a little deeper to understand why after so much time has past since my last post, I’ve almost erased JUSTKAYRENEE from my memory.

At the time that I’m sitting down to write this, it’s been 272 days since that last post. At the time that I’m sitting down to write this, it’s been 272 days since I’ve written ANYTHING. ANYWHERE. I started JUSTKAYRENEE first, as a place to capture my personal musings, my journal. And secondly, as a means of sharing those thoughts with the possibility of encouraging those that read it. Realizing I neglected it, I sat and was still. I dug deep to figure out how someone who loves to write based on connections to her feelings…

… connection to her feelings…

…connection to her feelings…

That’s the issue!  There’s been no connection to my feelings for me to write. That thread that generally keeps me inspired, was absent. This is why my books remain untouched.  Their crisp pages and perfect spines.  I’ve been disconnected from my feelings for some time now. Things have been happening, so surely there should have been things to write about. Let’s see, I was laid off quite unexpectedly from a job that I didn’t necessarily love after 5 years, but was very comfortable in. I quickly found a job within 2 months of being laid off.  At one point, I had 4 job offers on the table and was so confused at which to take.  Me being me, I had drawn a matrix to help me keep it all sorted and aligned.  After choosing one of the offers, and finding my groove, my job is now moving to LA. NYC. Or LA or Bust?! Do I really have to choose? Since the last time I’ve written, I’ve watched my mother’s mobility weaken and then watched it began to strengthen after a 7-hour spine surgery.  Relationships have shifted and faded to black. And I’ve had to continue to find better ways to navigate in one I thought would last a lifetime.  So, yeah! Lots to write about, or so you’d think.

But the truth is, I’ve been moving without truly processing any of these things.  I’ve been so disconnected emotionally so I’ve just kept moving. Doing Life.  Not feeling life. I’ve been getting up, keeping my mom encouraged and playing Physical Therapist. Raising and pouring into my kiddo. Networking and fostering professional relationships, picking my battles – Doing Life. Not processing. Not musing. Not understanding that I was doing my self a disservice by just ticking off boxes on a to-do list. If I was completing the things I was supposed to or expected to, that’s all that mattered when the day was done. Such a faulty way of thinking and I’m coming to understand that now.

For me, when I am so disconnected from my feelings and remove myself from processing them, it becomes increasingly challenging to make decisions.  I’m indecisive and unsure – of myself; of what I want and need. There’s lots of ambiguity within my relationships because of the disconnection. I haven’t invested time to process the way life is “life-ing,” so to speak.

As I sit and to write, I realize this feels so foreign and hard because I’ve grown so accustomed to just keeping this thread at bay.  I’ve started and stopped 3x now.  I’m dedicated to finishing this entry, though. Especially now that I understand just how vital it is for my spirit to remain connected enough to my feelings to process them.  My spirit was exhausted from the constant movement without process. It’s as if my words were trapped inside my body.  My brain couldn’t slow down long enough to put pencil to paper.  I’m learning that taking time to process doesn’t mean you’re somewhere wallowing in despair.  For me, it just means that I’m honoring my spirit by taking a beat to consider how things are or have made me feel, so that I know what I need to move forward based on that consideration. I’m working to give myself the gift of process so I can remain connected to these words. So that I can stay connected to Kourt. I encourage you to process what you’re experiencing. Even the good, so you can remember and continue to grow in that goodness! Give yourself that gift.

Process.

Breathe then proceed.

Be encouraged.