The Rebirth…

I thought that as you age, you automatically grew more confident within yourself.  You’d get older and the confidence meter shifted its dial upward.  Up went the self-assured mindset.  The day you turned 40, your gait would become different.  Clearer and more direct became your steps towards that next phase of your life. I’ve always assumed that goals would finally become fulfilled and check boxes were ticked.  The things you posted on our vision board in your 30’s have come to pass. I’ve heard that when you reach a certain age, you simply cared less what other people thought of you because, well  you’re 40 now — you’re “grown-grown!”

Well according to my calendar, I’m “grown-grown” and I shake my head because that self-assured state of being I was promised, is nowhere to be found. Before I step, I question myself.  I question my strength.  My capabilities. The truth of the matter is that, I just don’t feel as though I know myself. I don’t feel secure within my own skin sometimes.

Who am I? What do I see for myself? Want for myself?  We all wish for happiness, but how does that look for Kourtney?

To be sitting in this space this close to my birthday feels awkward and unfamiliar. I love my  birthday! I love getting older, believe it or not. It means I’m still here!  A little history – my maternal grandparents had (5) children, four boys and a girl.  All but two of my grandparent’s children, have passed weeks before their 50^th birthday.  One of my uncles passed 11 days before his own.  He was never ill. Rarely ever caught a cold. He had an aneurysm one night and he was gone.  So as you can imagine, getting older and reaching a milestone birthday, has always been very special in my family.  Aging is revered and honorable. In my family, we proclaim our age proudly, and for this reason, I’m usually pretty stoked to get older.  This year for me though, I say “40” with such hesitation on my tongue because I feel as though I’m supposed to have a truer sense of who I am.  Instead, I feel as though I’m still trying to  figure it all out.

Instead of what turning 40 has been for most of my friends, for me it’s sort of a rebirth.  I’m in the discovery phase, if you will. I am processing and adjusting my eyes to the light, as if a newborn would. I am learning to find solace in the sound of my own heartbeat. I’m trying to trust my own compass these days and trust my steps. Everything feels new to me. Not accomplished. Not fully realized, but new.

While there may be several things that 40 is not for me and it may not be meeting my expectations, it is an opportunity to reset the dial.  To consider myself. To change and grow in some areas. To understand that perhaps the biggest misconception is that you’re expected to have life all figured out by [INSERT AGE HERE].  But, aging is a process. Life is a process. So, I’m going to spend my milestone birthday welcoming it with open arms and living in a grateful space, because I’m still here and this is my rebirth!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!